Sunday, June 26, 2005

Math Attack !!!

AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."


Friday, June 03, 2005

More Ganguly bashing ...

Whenever a player, especially if he is also captain, fails to live up to the expectations, he becomes a butt of jokes. Due to the recent awful batting form of Indian cricket captain, Sourav Ganguly, there have been jokes aplenty on him. Most of us must have read these jokes somewhere or the other. I was hesitating to blog about this earlier as I thought that no sooner will I write about it and he will bounce back and play a defining innings (that is why few of these jokes are old). In hindsight, that would have been better as it could prove to be career-saving. But after three matches in the ongoing Ind-Pak ODI series, it looks like Dadagiri has permanently deserted Dada.

Here is a collection of jokes from CricketNext guest writer Sandeep Joshi.

Shoaib Akhtar admits Ganguly is faster and quicker than him. "I haven't seen any one get out so fast. Man, I envy his speed. I am quick but he is quickest," he says, "I think I should now cut my run up short when I bowl to him. Or else, he might be gone when I am half way through my run up."

Narain Karthikeyan is to get some tips on Speed from Ganguly. His sponsors have asked him to talk to the Prince of Kolkata. They are also planning to endorse Ganguly.

Dinesh Karthick confesses that his skills in getting ready and padded have improved a lot. "As soon as Ganguly goes to bat, I know there is very little time left to get ready. I must have broken world records a few times in this series in getting padded up," says the Indian wicketkeeper.

Railways keen on Ganguly: At least we'll be having someone who comes (back) before time. This will help them improve the image with the Indian public.

Q: Any guess which is Ganguly's favorite movie?
A: Gone in 60 seconds.

Q: Which was the hottest place in the Chinnaswamy Stadium during the last test ?
A: The seat Ganguly was sitting in while in the dressing room.

Ganguly to donate all his bats to charity. "I don't require a bat to do what are do these days", said the Indian skipper.

And, finally, the best one. (from many independent sources)
Steps to cook Maggi Noodles (just 2 minutes)

Step 1: Boil one cup of water.
Step 2: As soon as Ganguly goes for batting, put the noodles in the boiled water and put the tastemaker.
Step 3: Stir till Ganguly is on field.
Step 4: As soon as Ganguly is back in pavilion, your noodles are ready to eat.

This formula will definitely work 9 out of 10 times. To be on the safer side, stir till Ganguly is back to the dressing room. This is just to ensure that the Maggi is not half-cooked.
Lo Taiyaar Maggi !!!

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